Monday, June 29, 2009

Shabbos stream of consciousness: Shabbos Parshas Koirach, day

Continuation of the previous post. If there is something you don’t get, it’s because 1) it’s an inside joke, 2) you have no sense of humor, 3) you don’t get Russian situational humor. Just a reminder that the same initials do not mean the same people every time.

"Yiddishe gashmius iz ruchnius. Goyishe ruchnius iz gashmius. "


S: shrug.
A: shrug, getting a cup.
S: "Wait, you haven't washed yet? I thought you did, and that's why you were being quiet."
A: "No, I just didn't want to talk to you. Come to think of it, that's a great way to avoid talking to someone: just pretend you just washed. Even in a random situation. Like in a car, with a wife: 'Honey, I am sorry, I can't talk anymore, I am about to wash.'"

Acid is not really super necessary for digestion. Just for creating pepsin, which is not even the main protease (an enzyme breaking down proteins); the main one is in the intestines. Also, acid is for protection against bacteria (that's how kids can eat all kinds of crap and not get sick) and beginning of breaking down.

Av: I don't think it's necessarily because of the peppers. Because Am. and S. were not in pain.
Sh.: Am. is just very big.
Av.: It has nothing to do with body size, it's just your stomach being irritated.
Sh.: If you poured a giant a small shot of mashkeh, he would not get drunk.
Al: If you poured S. a small shot of mashkeh, she would get drunk, and you wouldn't.
Sh.: Yeah, but that's because she is a girl.

Rabbi P.: "Last night I mentioned how with all due respect to the rabbi from Mayanot at the farbrengen, I did not feel love when in a yechidus with the Rebbe. I felt awe. When [the rebbetzin] and I got married — that's when I felt love. The chupah was after Minchah, and then we went into yichud, so I asked to knock on the door when it would be time for Ma'ariv. And so, then we were [standing] outside the Rebbe's door, waiting for him to come out. And when he came out, he said ['Mazal tov'] to me and ['Mazal tov'] to [the rebbetzin]. And that's where I saw the love: of a parent for children." [Changes in Italic made after an angry reprimand from the Rabbi about retelling a story about the Rebbe exactly as one had heard it.]

A.: "You look very British."
The guy: "British? Nobody has ever told me that."
A.: "Maybe it's because I am from Israel. In Israel, there are two types of people, Israelis and not Israelis."
The guy: "But then, I could also look Italian."
A.: "Yes, I guess one could also say you look a little Italian."
Me: "Did you think I looked Russian the first time we met?"
A.: "No!.."
Me: "Really?"
A.: "I think the first words I ever said to you were: 'Kak dela?' ['How are things?']"

Before Mincha:

S.: "Where were all the quippy remarks the whole Shabbos?"
A.: "I am learning how to keep my mouth shut."
S.: "Why? Nobody except the Rabbi likes that."


S.: "When did you get the braces?"
A.: "I've always had them. Just hid behind the mustache."
S.: "That is such b.s.!"

A little later: "Are they bothering you?"
A.: "No, just getting used to them."
S.: "You will get used to them eventually."
A.: "Hopefully in less time than it took me to get used to my prosthetic eleventh toe."

Sholosh seudos:

An Israeli girl (b'Ivrit): "When is the Shabbos over?"
[An exchange back and forth between her and Rabbi P.]
Rabbi P.: "Now you're just being a pushy Israeli woman. Be nice, like N."

A.: "My parents are French."
Me: "Does this mean you are French too?"
A.: "Well, I was born in Paris."
Me: "So, for sure you are French."
A.: "Yes, I am French."
Someone: "She is Jewish."
Rabbi P.: "I was waiting for someone to say that. Who said she was French? [Sees that it was me.] Vos hackstu chainik?"

Rabbi P. about Pirkey Avos: "What does 'ma'sim toivim' mean? Torah and mitzvos. So why are they called by such name? Because they are similar to even tov — a brilliant. A mitzva is precious by itself, but it must also shine. A diamond covered with dirt is precious, but it does not shine. It does not let light into the world. So, people can learn Torah and do mitzvos [which are valuable by themselves] but not change and become more and more arrogant. So, that is the advantage of going to a Chabad yeshiva: it will prevent that from happening."

Me: "You know, my rabbi from New Orleans is going to be there. I will give you his name."
A.: "I will call you from there."
Me: "There is no cell phone reception."
A.: "Oh, no!"
Me: "But there is a nice pool."
A.: "Oh, nice!"
Y.: "It's all slimy!"
Me: "Who cares? It has water."
A.: "Yeah, who cares?"

An Israeli girl (b'Ivrit): "I am craving nicotine." [That's why she was asking when Shabbos is over.]
A.: "When I am wrapping tefillin, I forget about cigarettes."

S.: "What will you do if someone offers you an apple?"
A.: "I will cut it in peaces, along the longitudes."
S.: "What if someone offers you a carrot?"
A.: "I will cut it in circles."
S.: "What if you are drinking a Coke with ice cubes inside?"
A.: "I never eat the ice cubes anyway."
S.: "You know which one is the worst? Corn on the cob. That's the worst."

Me: "No wake-up service today?"
Rabbi P.: "You did not ask."
Me: "A Jew needs to ask?"

A.: "What are you looking at?"
E.: "Three girls trying to parallel-park a car."
A.: "They look fine [as far as where the car is]."
E.: "They were fine half an hour ago."


sarabonne said...

Very funny in a subtle way.

Crawling Axe said...

Why, thank you.

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